The Undecided

A few more pimples are popping on the surface of my face..
Tensed tensed!
As I face yet another drama in life....
XD ( I wanted to write trauma at first but then ppl might say I don't know how to weight problems at all.... teehee)

Anyway...
When I was little....
My vacations, education, decisions and probably everything I see and do were all decided by adults....
So now I'm finally 18 years old...
Where all the you are still young excuses will never stop me from doing what I love...
Thus, I'm granted freedom on everything I do...
Freedom.. is a like power to me because every steps I take are all on me from now on....
Well, power always comes with great responsibility....
The responsibility to be rational...

You see.. I will be having my mid holidays soon this coming december....
And I have been anticipating for this trip to Singapore like no one else...
Because this might be the first holiday I ever had so far from home without and supervision..
Aside from that, my initial plan was to get some clothes for Chinese New Year and accessories because satya said things there are a lot cheaper with more variety....

CHEAP? VARIETY?
Those are like words from god for me..
I have been trying to change my closet for ages and now I finally got my chance to do it with my friends, could god be this generous with me??
I was so excited till the extend where I have been walking around from malls after malls looking at clothes I love but hesitated to buy because of this trip...
"Oh boy.. what a rip off... I'm sure Singapore has better offer.."
I even went up to most of my cousins and close friends and asked them a long ^^

I knew such wonderful trip wouldn't come without a price....
I have an expired passport that needs to be renewed..

That would cost me around Rm 300-500... I'm not sure about the price yet but to keep my hopes up.. lets say it's RM300....
Fine...
Add with travel tickets... It would total up to RM500 before even calculating the price for my food, shelter, and most of all my shopping....

Minimum expenses would be at least around RM1000.....
And since I'm a girl with her freedom and responsibility..
Most likely I would have to bear the whole thing on my own....
Lets put RM1000 with my main purpose together to see if it makes sense...

RM1000= Cheaper chinese new year baju....
doesn't right?
I know...
I wouldn't even spend RM500 on my CNY baju.. apatah lagi RM1000...

But I can't be stuck keeping the money forever right without any vacation?
One day... I will be using those money too....
My passport, eventually have to be renewed too..
My clothes... eventually also have to buy...
My excitement is in a mixture of disappointment and confusion now till I can't think rational...

Some asked me if this vacation is really worth it...
If a teenager at my age... Really needs a vacation when she couldn't even earn her own money to begin with...
To get the story my way.... I said if I don't take my holiday now, when my degree, internships and working life gets started, I might add another few more years before I even dream about holiday..
But don't I sound irrational and selfish already?
Maybe I should think about all the poor children in cambodia or myanmar who couldn't even get a proper home to begin with..
Why do I need to think so much?
I hope I'm more stubborn and reckless than to be on the border now...

To add to another stress, I was planning to join fitness first the moment my holiday begins... That will already cost me a lot but part of me really felt I need it...
I have been slumpy, unhealthy, lazy and tired recently...
I'm not even allow to go pa san alone because they think the whole world is too dangerous...
People I ajak to go swimming, gym, jogging and all...
are often only free on the weekends and at times would even reject the offer because of many reasons.... I understand that... that is why... I need to do this on my own right?
Which makes fitness first perfect... Anytime I want and alone if I must...
So I finally settle down with fitness first idea... Safe, a proper place, too many people to be dangerous....

But.. If I add singapore trip which will be RM 1000 and the whole fitness first thing annually would be RM1000.... That would be RM2000 dy! what about all my other plans???

Gah.... But I really want to go ><
Am I... Wanting too much??